Confessions

Confession #1 : I don't know if it makes sense for me to blog. I am neither a homemaker or mother (for the next few months, at least), I am not especially crafty (or really crafty at all for that matter), I don't have mounds of wisdom or intelligent thoughts that need to be put down on paper (virtual or otherwise), I am not a master chef so any recipes that get posted are probably from All Recipes or someone else.

Confession #2: My biggest reason for doing this is that I stopped keeping a journal a year ago (due to superstition - no, I'm not kidding). Long story short, in all of the years that I kept a journal any time I wrote about the relationship I was in it ended and often ended badly. As soon as I started dating my now-fiance I made a mental vow that I would not write anything about relationship down, at least not on paper. It is absolutely ludicrous, I know, but I would rather not tempt fate. That and it is a whole lot easier to delete a post or backspace when what I'm writing/have written gets angsty or stupid. I am now going to stop writing about this because I feel a little dumber with each word.....

Confession #3: Anyone who knows me knows that I am rather bad with words, hence the title of the blog. My mouth and mind still have not mastered their relationship and it is rare for me not to trip over my words or put my foot in my mouth at least once in any given conversation (the length of conversation is of little consequence). It has become a bit of a running joke with my friends and family. And while I often find myself amused as well it can be a major source of frustration. I like to think that it's just God's way of keeping my ego in check (done and done). I have a much easier time writing/typing out my thoughts and I like the amount of control the "edit" and "backspace" button provide! I look forward to the day when I find a way to implement that into speech.....

Confession #4: I take my work home with me. Not physically (which would be illegal, actually) but mentally and emotionally. I work as a crisis pregnancy counselor. There are good days and bad days, easy weeks and challenging weeks. This week was challenging for me as a counselor. The first few days of the week were busy and filled with clients. Busy is not bad, but it can be exhausting. It is especially exhausting when you have a client who is in an actual crisis and not just showing up because her friends told her we provide free ultrasounds (which we do and are happy to do). One of the many clients I saw on Monday and Tuesday was what we refer to as AO (abortion oriented --> planning on having an abortion). Now, it is important to note that "AO" is not so much a category as a spectrum with "Open Minded" on one end and "Absolutely Decided" on the other end. My client was at the very edge of the spectrum and very much decided. Due to the incredible generosity and flexibility of our nurses I was able to offer the client an ultrasound that very afternoon. I could hear the sounds of the baby's heartbeat from outside the ultrasound room as I wrote my notes and put the client's information into the computer. Until that door opened I was able to nurture the hope that my client had changed her mind or, at the very least, was more open than before. These hopes disappeared as soon as that door opened. When you work at a crisis pregnancy center it does not take long for you to recognize the face of determination. I spoke with her a little longer and wished her luck as she left. I know that is the last time I will see her. And no matter how many times you experience that (and I have had my share, believe me) it does not get any easier. In a way I am grateful that it doesn't. I hope that I never grow callous to the loss of a life, no matter how small or new that life is.
The next day I found myself having a pretty easy day with plenty of time to catch up on client notes and sip delicious coffee. Then it happened. The second most difficult appointment I have had in my 1+ year of working at the crisis pregnancy center. Due to confidentiality I will not disclose any of the particulars, but suffice it to say that some people have a way of etching themselves into your memory and I will remember that client and that situation for the rest of my life.

Confession #5: I am a work in progress. I like to think that I have changed a great deal over the past several years and made a lot of progress, but I will be the first one to tell you that I have a heck of a long way to go. I have a quick temper, an impressive capacity for laziness, the tendency towards extreme selfishness, and the list goes on and on. It is important to note that being the type of person who trips over words AND has a quick temper makes for quite a cocktail. My faith life is not what I want it to be. I pray daily but let's just say I won't be giving any nuns a run for their money. I love the mass and love my Roman Catholic faith, but seem to regress into something like a toddler when it comes to things like attending daily mass. Again, a real work in progress...

Confession #6: I love to be entertained. I love music, movies, TV, books, etc. I like what I like and will admit that I do not have superior taste. For instance, I like Techno. No, not all Techno, but enough for it to be a little weird. I also like Usher and some of the other pop music that floats around the radio waves. Much to my chagrin I have even enjoyed some Katy Perry and Lady Gaga on occasion, though I will never purchase their music or patronize them. There are some boundaries at least.

Confession #7 : I will never make it on to Jeopardy. I doubt I could even swing Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, though if I was able to use "Phone a Friend" I imagine I'd have it in the bag.

Confession #8 : I am surrounded by incredible people. My family and friends make me the most blessed person on Earth. I tried submitting proof to Guinness World Book of Records but they were more interested in my height (OK, no, it turns out that I called the wrong number and ended up talking to a small Haitian man named Jubi for the better part of an hour. This is also a lie).

Confession #9 : I spend way too much time on the computer and on my iPhone. When I lose the data plan I have now and am forced to retire my iPhone I may cry. Or swear. Or just have no reaction at all. We'll see.

Confession #10 : I am an extreme sort of person. I am trying to find the middle ground and may even be making some progress but my natural reaction(s) tends towards the extreme. I get really passionate about, well, whatever I happen to be passionate about at that given time. This could be food (I love food), a TV show (I love TV), road trip (doubtful - I hate road trips), people (hmmmm), etc. If I decide I want something or want to do something I tend to want to do it IMMEDIATELY. For example, I had the church and reception hall reserved for our wedding before we were officially engaged. I thought about buying a car and then obsessed over cars for the next three weeks, causing undue stress on my poor fiance who I dragged with me to different car dealerships and websites every step of the way (luckily I ended up listening to reason and just kept the car I have now). Even my facial/vocal reactions are extreme. I try very hard to make this not be the case but it still escapes me. I once was on a blind date (worst. idea. ever!) and the guy stopped me mid-sentence to ask, in a suspicious/semi-alarmed tone, "Has anyone ever told you that you have a very... expressive face?". Yes, sonny, I've been told. I have also been told I am tall and that I am a female. Gold star.

Alright, well, I really ought to be going now. If you read this whole bit of nonsense then bravo - even I was bored by the end! My hope is to start living a radically interesting life so that I have something to blog about. Then again, if I accomplish that I highly doubt I will wish to spend my time blogging about it...

Confession #11 : I don't know when to shut up