I Am Not Enough

I was never someone who struggled with figuring out what my vocation was. WHO my vocation was? Yeah sure that took longer than I expected. But the whole "wife and mom" thing was on my radar for forever. I don't say this because I think I'm a rarity here - plenty, if not the majority, of women have felt similarly. What has come as a shock is how much I struggle in this vocation. I like to joke that I was a much better mom before I had kids.

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I know the blogosphere is FULL of posts about how hard motherhood is, how tough marriage can be, how there isn't enough support, etc. etc. etc. But while any number of those speak to how I feel none of them have been in my own words so what's one more? 

I am not enough. There. I said it. This is the refrain that I hear in my head almost all day and the majority of my nights thanks to The Sleepless Wonder 

John AKA The Sleepless Wonder

I am not enough. I am not patient enough. I am not selfless enough. I am not loving enough. I am not kind enough. I am not good enough. I am not holy enough. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough. I am not talented enough. I am not woman enough. God made a mistake. I am not the mom these beautiful children deserve. I am not the wife my amazing husband deserves. I AM NOT ENOUGH.

I can't do it. I can't make another meal plan. I can't do another load of laundry. I can't wash the same dishes one more time. I can't keep my temper in check. I can't survive on the consistent lack of good sleep. I can't be touched by one more person. I can't handle one more temper tantrum. I can't keep the house clean. I can't let anyone see how inadequate I am. I CAN'T DO IT.

Before you start with the words of encouragement or disapproval I need you to understand that that is not what I am looking for. I need your prayers. Because whatever you might think the truth of the matter is that I am right - I am not enough and I can't do it. Maybe these thoughts begin as seeds sown by the Devil, thoughts that are meant to make me despair. Sometimes it feels like that. But our God is a Father and He does not abandon His children, even if it might feel like it sometimes. So I can sit here and say these things and find consolation because even though I am not enough, He is. Even though I can't do it, He can. And today that is enough.

I will end this with two scripture passages that mean a great deal to me these days. Hopefully you will find consolation in them as well.

 

7 Quick Takes : Life Lately

 

Linking up with Kelly...

- 1 -

We bought a new house last week and moved in over the course of this past week. It's funny how that's such a simple sentence to type and such an absurdly difficult thing to accomplish in reality! I don't understand complicated things like Math so I am not going to hazard a guess as to how much my husband moved completely solo with the help of our trusty van but guys, it was A LOT. I am talking about a minimum of 8 separate trips with the Odyssey ENTIRELY LOADED (seats down/out). Who loaded and unloaded the van each time? My husband. Also, one trip involving a 16-foot moving truck. Forgot that one. Seriously insane.

- 2 -

We now live out in the country. Beforehand we lived literally one minute from downtown, was on city water/electric/trash, etc. We now have a well and septic system (I don't even know what that really means), are part of an electric cooperative (I DEFINITELY don't know what that means but I do know that we have power), and it takes a little more planning to go downtown. A slight shift in lifestyle shall we say.We aren't hardcore (or even medium-core really) like a lot of families and pay someone to come and pick up our trash. He is the quintessential mountain man - huge, bearded, deep voice, and a giant truck.

- 3 -  

Our property has 3 beautiful acres; our last one had .17 acres. There is a lot of responsibility that comes into owning land. While the lot is beautiful it is in need of a lot of reclamation. I am truly in awe of what has been accomplished already this week thanks to the amazing hard work of my father in law and my husband and I cannot wait to see what the next several months (years?) will bring. This brings me to...

- 4 - 

My in-laws visited this week to help us with unpacking and settling in. If you can have someone like them in your corner at a time like this you are pretty much set. After 2 1/2 days every box was unpacked, art was hung, windows were dressed, bathroom fixtures installed, play equipment for the kids put up, and the yard tackled with gusto. There are simply no words to describe the night and day difference. I am so blessed!

- 5 -

Our backyard butts up to a heavily wooded area and seems to be home to a number of deer. These deer frequent our backyard a few times every day and the kids absolutely geek out every time. It will be a lot of fun to see what it's like in springtime when there are fawns about.

- 6 -

We are starting small. Maybe someday down the road we will be living on a farmette with a ginormous garden, fruit trees and fruit bushes, chickens, dogs, cats, etc. but that is not in the cards for right now. I say this because I need this in writing. I need to have documentation that I said this, believed it strongly, and knew at the time I wrote it that trying to act differently would almost certainly result in me going crazy.

- 7 -

Tessa and Leo started sharing a room last night and while the older brother might not be as over the moon as the little sister, warm fuzzy feelings are generally felt by all. The original plan was not to start them in together so soon but once bedding and a mattress were bought and set up Tessa would not hear of anything else. The awesome thing about this (other than the inevitable loss of sleep) is that JOHN CAN NOW HAVE HIS OWN ROOM! That's right ladies and gentlemen - one of my children might actually have their own sleeping space before the 12 month mark! I'm pretty sure I can hear the angelic chorus joining me right now.

~ Happy Friday ~