I Am Not Enough

I was never someone who struggled with figuring out what my vocation was. WHO my vocation was? Yeah sure that took longer than I expected. But the whole "wife and mom" thing was on my radar for forever. I don't say this because I think I'm a rarity here - plenty, if not the majority, of women have felt similarly. What has come as a shock is how much I struggle in this vocation. I like to joke that I was a much better mom before I had kids.

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I know the blogosphere is FULL of posts about how hard motherhood is, how tough marriage can be, how there isn't enough support, etc. etc. etc. But while any number of those speak to how I feel none of them have been in my own words so what's one more? 

I am not enough. There. I said it. This is the refrain that I hear in my head almost all day and the majority of my nights thanks to The Sleepless Wonder 

John AKA The Sleepless Wonder

I am not enough. I am not patient enough. I am not selfless enough. I am not loving enough. I am not kind enough. I am not good enough. I am not holy enough. I am not smart enough. I am not strong enough. I am not talented enough. I am not woman enough. God made a mistake. I am not the mom these beautiful children deserve. I am not the wife my amazing husband deserves. I AM NOT ENOUGH.

I can't do it. I can't make another meal plan. I can't do another load of laundry. I can't wash the same dishes one more time. I can't keep my temper in check. I can't survive on the consistent lack of good sleep. I can't be touched by one more person. I can't handle one more temper tantrum. I can't keep the house clean. I can't let anyone see how inadequate I am. I CAN'T DO IT.

Before you start with the words of encouragement or disapproval I need you to understand that that is not what I am looking for. I need your prayers. Because whatever you might think the truth of the matter is that I am right - I am not enough and I can't do it. Maybe these thoughts begin as seeds sown by the Devil, thoughts that are meant to make me despair. Sometimes it feels like that. But our God is a Father and He does not abandon His children, even if it might feel like it sometimes. So I can sit here and say these things and find consolation because even though I am not enough, He is. Even though I can't do it, He can. And today that is enough.

I will end this with two scripture passages that mean a great deal to me these days. Hopefully you will find consolation in them as well.