Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sanity, Sanctity, and Cracker Crumbs

After a few months of no creative inspiration and a lack of anything to say, I decided to get married and get pregnant. Topic found.

So yes, the end of May rolled around and I found myself getting married. It's several weeks later and I still cannot decide if it was impressively smooth or was an unmitigated disaster. Either way I have decided that one trip to the altar is all I'm up for so that's that. People keep asking me what the most memorable moment(s) of the wedding day were or what stood out the most to me. The truth is that when I think about May 26, 2012, the main thing that occurs to me is how absurdly heavy wedding dresses are. That and I really should have just gone ahead and paid for that silly hem instead of buying heels to save money. Klutzes don't do well in heels. The rest remains a bit of a warm, humid blur dappled with smiling and hugs (so many, many hugs...). We went to South Carolina for our honeymoon and had a marvelous time, surviving a tropical storm in the beginning of the week and a wasp in our condo. We then returned to Indiana and began to settle in (the process is yet to be completed).

Returning to work after not working for several weeks took some getting used to, particularly the part that involved going to bed at a reasonable time and waking up at a very unreasonable time. There are perks, however, to having the kind of job I have. Several, in fact, but the one that was of particular interest to me was the access to free, medical-grade pregnancy tests. So it was that I was able to shock the living daylights out of my husband and both of our families with the news that Baby Reinhard was the on the way before anyone knew it was possible to know. I suppose you could say this is really just a shameless plug for the Women's Care Center and its wonderful services. Anyway.

I have to say that I find married life and pregnancy to be rather interesting. Both are founded on the principles of sacrifice and love and having one without the other is not enough. As it turns out, talking about them is easy – living them out is the difficult part. I wish that I could say that I am already the perfect wife and now a perfect mother in the making. I mean, really, I could say that. I'd be lying, but I could say it. I am not sure if it is the process of taking on a new vocation in general or if it is marriage in particular or if it is just ME, but I find myself being confronted by my own selfishness and inadequacies on a much more regular basis as of late. And by “regular basis” I do mean hourly basis.

When you are single, even dating or engaged, you can find ways to hide these faults and flaws or, at the very least, muffle them a bit. Well, the veil has been lifted, my friends. And, lest we forget, everything is slightly more compounded by the new and wonderful experiences of pregnancy. The medical professionals use the term “morning sickness” but I have my own choice words and descriptions for it. And then, of course, the overall exhaustion that permeates each day (yes, I realize how funny that must sound to you mothers of post-utero children). I have never been one to suffer silently or well so I am sure you can imagine how pleasant the past several weeks have been for those around me =)

There are times when I feel as though I have made progress and am truly venturing forth, beginning to stumble down the path towards sanctity..... granted, these are usually during or directly after sleep (unless it is that horrific space of time in the mornings when I have just awoken – at that point we're all doomed).

The bottom line is that I could use your prayers. And, really, I dare say my husband and future child could use your prayers as well. All three of us do have to deal with me, after all, and it would be preferable if we were able to pursue sanctity AND retain some measure of sanity. In the meantime, if you need me I will be on the couch, covered in cracker crumbs and looking towards the kitchen with a mixture of longing and repulsion.

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